I Helped My Friend Practice For His Date…
I agreed to help my friend practice for his date because I thought it would be funny.
That was it.
Harmless.
Just two friends killing time in my apartment on a Friday night.
I definitely didn’t expect it to end with Alan kissing me so hard I forgot my own name.
It started after he got dumped 3 months ago.
Alan had always been the confident one between us.
Tall, athletic, naturally charming without even trying.
He could walk into a room wearing a wrinkled hoodie and somehow still have people staring at him.
Meanwhile, I was the opposite.
Quieter, [snorts] more careful, the kind of guy who overthought texts for 20 minutes before sending them.
Alan and I had been close since freshman year of college.
We met because he accidentally stole my coffee from a campus cafe and somehow talked his way into sitting at my table while I waited for them to remake mine.
Honestly, this is kind of your fault for ordering the exact same thing as me,” he’d said with a grin.
“I should have hated him.
Instead, we became inseparable.”
3 years later, we were living in neighboring apartment buildings downtown.
He came over constantly, sometimes for food, sometimes to watch games, sometimes because he claimed my couch was emotionally supportive.
And unfortunately for me, I’d been quietly in love with him for almost all of it, which was why helping him prepare for a date was slowly killing me.
You’re overthinking this, I told him as he paced around my kitchen holding two different button-ups against his chest.
Nobody cares if you wear the blue one or the black one.
Alan looked personally offended.
That is absolutely not true.
Women notice details.
You think women are rejecting you because of shirt color?
No, he said seriously.
Usually they reject me because I say something stupid.
I laughed despite myself.
It was hard not to around him.
He tossed the black shirt onto my couch and leaned against the counter.
Okay, but seriously, you’re good at this stuff.
At what stuff, people.
I nearly choked on my drink.
Alan, I spend 90% of my free time alone.
Exactly.
You observe people like some weird little documentary narrator.
That might be the rudest compliment I’ve ever gotten.
He grinned.
But I’m right.
The annoying thing was he kind of was.
I’d always been better at reading emotions than actually expressing my own.
Probably why Allan trusted me with everything.
He told me about every relationship, every heartbreak.
Every single one felt like a tiny knife directly into my chest.
But I listened anyway because being close to him in any way was better than nothing.
So I asked carefully, trying to sound casual.
You actually like this girl?
Alan shrugged, but I noticed the slight smile he tried to hide.
Yeah, I think so.
That hurt more than it should have.
Her name was Chloe.
He met her at his gym two weeks earlier.
Apparently, she was sarcastic, smart, pretty, and had this thing where she bites her lip when she laughs.
Yeah, I hated hearing about her already.
She asked me to dinner tomorrow, he continued.
And I suddenly realized I’ve forgotten how dating works.
You date constantly.
Casual flings aren’t dating.
The way he said it surprised me a little.
There was actual sincerity in his voice.
I looked over at him.
He was staring down at the counter now, absent-mindedly, tapping his fingers against the marble.
“You nervous?”
I asked.
“A little.
That almost never happened with Alan.
Normally, he was smooth without trying, confident in that effortless way attractive people sometimes are.
Seeing him uncertain felt strangely intimate.
You’ll be fine,” I said quietly.
He looked up at me then and for a second the air shifted.
It sounds dramatic saying that, but I swear something changed in that moment.
Maybe it was the way he held eye contact too long.
Maybe it was because we were alone and the apartment was suddenly too quiet.
Or maybe I was just hopelessly into him and imagining things again.
Alan cleared his throat first.
Okay, he said.
Practice date.
I blinked.
What?
You heard me.
No.
Yes, Alan.
Absolutely not.
He pointed at me like he’d already won.
See, this is why you’re perfect for this.
You’ll tell me if I sound stupid.
I already tell you that for free.
Exactly.
Come on, Walker.
Help me out.
I should have said no.
Seriously, I really should have instead.
30 minutes later, I was sitting across from him at a small Italian restaurant three blocks from my apartment while he practiced flirting with me like this was somehow a normal thing friends did.
This is humiliating, I muttered, staring down at my menu.
Alan kicked my foot under the table.
Commit to the bit.
I hate you.
No, you don’t.
The worst part was that he looked ridiculously good.
He’d gone with the black shirt after all.
Sleeves rolled to his forearms, cologne subtle but distracting, dark hair still damp from his shower.
I was trying very hard not to think about how many times I’d imagine actual dates with him.
So, Alan said smoothly, leaning back in his chair.
Tell me about yourself.
I stared at him flatly.
You already know everything about me.
Pretend you’re Chloe.
I don’t want to be Chloe.
He laughed.
Walker.
Fine.
I sighed dramatically.
I’m Walker.
I’m 24.
I like movies, coffee, and pretending this isn’t emotionally damaging.
Alan nearly spit out his drink, laughing.
That was good.
That wasn’t a joke.
He shook his head, still grinning.
Then his expression softened slightly.
You’d actually be really good on a date, you know.
My stomach tightened.
That’s because I’m pretending to be someone else.
No, he said quietly.
I mean it, God.
Sometimes he said things so casually without realizing what they did to me.
I looked away first, focusing hard on the candle flickering between us.
The dinner kept going after that, but something felt different.
The teasing became softer.
The eye contact lasted longer.
At one point, he reached across the table and brushed sauce off the corner of my mouth with his thumb.
Neither of us spoke for a second afterward.
I don’t think he even realized how intimate it felt.
Or maybe he did.
That possibility terrified me.
By the time we left the restaurant, it was already dark outside.
The city streets glowed under street lights, cars humming past us while we walked back toward my apartment.
Alan shoved his hands into his pockets.
Okay, he said.
Be honest.
How bad was I?
You weren’t bad.
You hesitated.
I was deciding how mean to be.
He bumped his shoulder against mine.
Liar.
The contact lingered longer than necessary.
I tried not to think about it.
You know what your problem actually is?
I asked.
What?
You stop joking whenever you actually like someone.
Alan frowned slightly.
What do you mean?
You hide behind flirting when you don’t care.
But when you do care, you get weirdly serious.
He got quiet after that.
Too quiet.
I glanced over at him.
What?
Nothing.
You’re thinking that obvious with you?
Yeah.
He slowed down near my apartment building entrance, staring at me with this unreadable expression I couldn’t quite place.
Then he asked softly, “How do you know me that well?”
And honestly, that question scared the hell out of me.
“How do you know me that well?”
Alan said it quietly, almost like he regretted asking the second the words left his mouth.
My chest tightened.
The smart response would have been something casual, a joke.
Anything to keep this from becoming too real.
Instead, I shrugged and forced a small smile.
We’ve been best friends for 3 years.
I’d hope I know you by now.
He held my gaze a second longer than normal.
Then he nodded slowly.
Yeah, he murmured.
Guess that makes sense.
But something about his expression told me that answer didn’t fully satisfy him.
We headed upstairs to my apartment after that.
Normally our nights ended with beer, video games, or Alan stealing half the food in my fridge.
Easy.
Comfortable.
Tonight felt different.
There was this weird tension sitting between us now.
Not awkward exactly, just charged like we were both suddenly aware of something we hadn’t been before.
Alan kicked off his shoes near the couch while I headed into the kitchen for water.
“You want one?”
I asked.
Sure.
I grabbed two glasses, trying very hard to ignore the fact that my heart was still beating too fast from that conversation outside.
This was dangerous territory because the thing about being secretly in love with your best friend is that your brain starts turning tiny moments into massive ones.
A lingering glance becomes hope.
A casual touch becomes possibility.
Most of the time, it means absolutely nothing.
And I knew better than to let myself believe otherwise.
Alan took the glass from my hand when I walked back over.
Thanks.
Our fingers brushed.
Simple accidental.
Still enough to make my stomach flip.
I hated how badly he affected me.
So, I said, sitting in the armchair across from him.
What’s the plan for tomorrow?
Alan groan dramatically and collapsed backward against the couch cushions.
Don’t remind me.
You were literally excited about this two hours ago.
I know, but now I’m thinking about every possible way I can embarrass myself.
You’re not going to embarrass yourself.
You say that like you’ve never met me.
I laughed softly.
He smiled at the sound immediately.
That was another thing about Alan.
He always reacted when I laughed, like he chased the sound without realizing it.
So, what exactly are you nervous about?
I asked.
He stared at the ceiling for a second before answering.
I don’t know.
He exhaled slowly.
I guess I just don’t want it to feel fake.
That caught me off guard a little.
What do you mean?
I’m tired of shallow stuff.
His voice was quieter now.
Like talking to someone and already knowing neither of you actually cares.
I leaned back slightly, studying him.
This conversation suddenly felt way more serious than I expected.
“You want something real,” I said carefully.
“Yeah, there was a pause.”
Then Allan looked directly at me and added, “Don’t you?”
The way he said it made my chest ache because yes, obviously, yes.
I wanted something real so badly, it physically hurts sometimes.
I wanted movie nights and sleepy mornings and someone reaching for my hand without thinking about it.
And embarrassingly enough, the person I wanted all of that with was sitting 5 ft away from me wearing my favorite color.
“Yeah,” I admitted quietly.
“I do.”
For a second, neither of us spoke.
The apartment suddenly felt too small.
Alan looked away first this time, rubbing the back of his neck.
“Okay,” he muttered.
This got emotional fast.
I laughed under my breath.
You started it.
True.
He grabbed one of the throw pillows and tossed it at me.
I caught it automatically.
There, he announced.
Mood fixed.
Idiot.
You love me.
The words hit harder than they should have.
Allan said stuff like that all the time.
Casual.
Thoughtless.
Completely unaware of what it did to me.
Usually, I brushed it off.
Tonight, though, I hesitated just a second too long, and he noticed.
His smile faded slightly.
The room went quiet again.
“Walker,” he said slowly.
My pulse jumped.
“Yeah,” he looked like he was about to say something else.
Then his phone buzzed.
The moment shattered instantly.
Alan glanced down at the screen and groaned.
Chloe.
That familiar sting hit my chest again.
He answered while standing up from the couch.
Hey.
I tried not to listen.
Really?
But it was impossible not to hear parts of the conversation from where I sat.
Yeah, tomorrow still works.
Pause.
No, I’m just at Walker’s place.
Another pause.
Then Alan laughed softly at something she said.
I hated how jealous that sound made me.
He walked toward the kitchen while talking, lowering his voice a little.
I leaned my head back against the chair and closed my eyes.
This was exactly why I should have kept emotional distance because moments like tonight tricked me into forgetting reality.
Allan wasn’t mine, and he never would be.
After a few minutes, he came back into the living room, tossing his phone onto the couch.
“She seems nice,” I said before I could stop myself.
Alan gave me a weird look.
Why do you sound annoyed?
I don’t.
You do?
I shrugged.
He narrowed his eyes slightly like he was trying to figure me out.
Then he sat back down closer this time.
Not directly beside me.
But close enough that my body noticed immediately.
“You don’t like her?”
He asked.
“It’s not that.”
“Then what?”
I looked at him for a second too long before answering.
Nothing.
Forget it.
Allan didn’t move.
Walker.
There was something frustratingly gentle about his voice now.
I stared down at my glass.
You ever notice?
I said slowly.
How every girl you date somehow becomes your entire personality for like 2 months?
He blinked.
That’s your issue with Chloe.
No, I admitted quietly.
Not really.
Then what is it?
I should have lied.
Instead, exhaustion and feelings and way too much proximity finally cracked something open inside me.
I just I swallowed hard.
Sometimes it hurts hearing you talk about people you like.
The second I said it, panic flooded my chest.
Too honest.
Way too honest.
Alan stared at me silently.
What’s that supposed to mean?
He asked softly.
My brain scrambled desperately for an escape route.
It means, I said quickly, “You disappear whenever you start dating someone.”
“Technically true, just not the full truth.”
His shoulders relaxed slightly, but he still looked uncertain.
“Oh, yeah.”
A heavy silence settled between us.
Then Alan surprised me by saying, “I didn’t realize that bothered you.
It’s fine.
No, he said quietly.
It’s not.
I finally looked up at him again.
His expression had changed completely now.
Softer, more serious, like he was seeing me differently all of a sudden.
I don’t want you feeling replaced, he said.
The sincerity in his voice nearly destroyed me.
You won’t replace me, I joked weakly.
I’m emotionally embedded into your furniture at this point.
He laughed softly at that, but his eyes stayed on mine.
And then slowly, almost absent-mindedly, he reached over and rested his hand on my knee.
Everything in my body stopped.
The contact wasn’t rough or dramatic, just warm, steady, natural.
But Allan had never touched me like that before.
Not casually, not lingering.
My breathing turned uneven instantly.
I don’t think he realized what he was doing at first.
Then suddenly his expression shifted too, like he noticed it.
Like he felt it too.
Either of us moved.
The apartment was dead silent except for the hum of the fridge in the kitchen.
Allan’s thumb moved slightly against my knee.
Tiny movement.
Massive effect.
Walker, he said quietly.
I could barely think straight anymore.
Yeah.
His eyes dropped briefly to my mouth, then back up again.
And in that exact moment, I realized something terrifying.
Allan looked nervous, not uncomfortable, not confused, nervous, like he wanted to do something and wasn’t sure if he should.
Allan looked nervous.
That was the part one couldn’t get over.
Not joking, not smug, not casually flirtatious like he sometimes got after two beers and zero self-awareness.
Actually nervous.
His hand was still resting on my knee.
Either of us moved.
I swear the entire room felt warmer somehow.
Walker, he said again, quieter this time.
I could barely breathe normally.
What?
His jaw tightened slightly like he was debating something internally.
Then he asked, “Have you ever liked someone and known it was a bad idea?”
My heart nearly stopped.
There were probably a hundred safer ways I could have answered that question.
Instead, I let out a shaky laugh.
Yeah, I admitted.
Definitely.
His eyes stayed locked on mine.
“What did you do about it?”
“You, I did absolutely nothing about you.
I ignored it,” I said carefully.
“Did it work?”
No.
The honesty slipped out before I could stop it.
Something flickered across his face after I said that.
Something intense and unreadable.
Then his thumb moved against my knee again.
Tiny motion.
Huge reaction.
My stomach twisted painfully.
I needed him to stop touching me before I completely lost my mind.
At the same time, I didn’t want him to move at all.
Alan exhaled slowly through his nose.
You ever think?
He started then paused.
You ever think maybe people ignore stuff because they’re scared of ruining what they already have?
Every nerve in my body lit up.
This conversation was getting dangerously close to something real.
Too real.
I swallowed hard.
Probably.
He nodded slightly, eyes dropping briefly to my mouth again.
That absolutely did not help.
The tension between us was unbearable now.
Thick enough to feel.
And somehow we kept making it worse.
Allan leaned back a little.
Finally, though his hand stayed where it was.
I’m being weird tonight, he muttered.
I laughed weakly.
A little.
Sorry.
It’s okay.
Another silence.
Then can I ask you something?
I hesitated.
Depends.
He smiled faintly at that, but it disappeared quickly.
When was your last date?
Of all the things I expected him to ask, it definitely wasn’t that.
Uh, I rubbed the back of my neck awkwardly.
Couple months ago.
That long?
I shrugged.
I’ve been busy.
That’s not an answer.
It kind of is.
Alan tilted his head slightly, studying me in that frustratingly observant way he had sometimes.
You liked him?
The question caught me off guard enough that I laughed.
There wasn’t a him.
His eyebrows lifted immediately.
Oh.
I stared at him suspiciously.
Why do you sound relieved?
I don’t.
You literally do.
Allan looked away, grinning slightly now.
That’s crazy.
You’re terrible at lying, says the guy who’s been hiding something all night.
My pulse spiked instantly.
What exactly am I hiding?
He looked back at me then and suddenly either of us were smiling anymore.
“I don’t know yet,” he said quietly.
“God, I needed this conversation to end before I accidentally confessed feelings that had been ruining my life for 3 years.”
I stood up abruptly.
“Okay,” I said too quickly.
“I’m getting another drink.”
Alan leaned back against the couch, watching me walk into the kitchen.
I could feel his eyes on me the entire time, which was not helping.
I grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge, mostly to give myself a second to breathe.
My hands were shaking slightly.
This was getting dangerous because part of me, the stupid hopeful part, was starting to wonder if maybe this wasn’t all in my head.
Maybe Alan felt something, too.
But that couldn’t be true, right?
I heard footsteps behind me before I could spiral any further.
Then Allan appeared beside me in the kitchen doorway.
Close.
Way too close.
“You okay?”
He asked softly.
I laughed nervously.
“You’ve asked me that like five times tonight because you keep looking at me like you’re trying to solve a murder.”
“That’s dramatic.
You like dramatic?”
“I absolutely do not.”
Allan smiled a little.
Then his expression softened again.
Walker.
There it was again.
That tone.
The one that made my chest tighten every single time.
Yeah.
He leaned against the counter beside me, arms folded loosely across his chest.
We’ve never really talked about.
He hesitated.
About what?
You?
I blinked.
What does that mean?
You know exactly what it means.
Unfortunately, I did.
My stomach dropped.
Alan rubbed the back of his neck again before continuing.
You never talk about dating or who you’re into or anything like that.
I forced a shrug.
There’s not much to say.
That’s I looked at him carefully.
Why do you care?
The question landed harder than I expected.
Alan stared at me for a second before answering.
Because you’re my best friend.
That familiar ache hit my chest again.
Best friend, right?
Of course.
You know everything about me, he continued quietly.
But I feel like there’s stuff you keep locked away.
I looked down at the water bottle in my hands.
He wasn’t wrong.
There was one massive thing I’d hidden from him for years, and it was standing directly between us right now.
I don’t know, I said finally.
I guess I’m just private.
Allan was quiet for a moment.
Then he said softly.
“Is it because you think people won’t react well?”
I looked up immediately.
The seriousness in his expression caught me completely offguard.
“What?”
He shrugged slightly, though he suddenly looked nervous again.
“I don’t know.
Sometimes it feels like you stop yourself from saying things.”
The room felt very still.
I could hear my heartbeat in my ears now.
Allan’s voice dropped lower.
Walker, are you hiding who you like?
Every instinct in my body screamed at me to lie.
But the problem was I was tired.
Tired of pretending.
Tired of carefully filtering every reaction around him.
Tired of hearing him talk about girls while acting unaffected.
Tired of carrying feelings I knew I could never say out loud.
And right now, he was looking at me like he genuinely wanted the truth.
So, I made the worst possible decision.
I nodded at once, very slightly.
Allan’s expression changed instantly.
Not disgust, not discomfort.
Something else, something almost stunned.
Oh, he breathed.
My chest tightened painfully.
I laughed nervously and looked away.
Yeah, silence.
Long silence.
Then Alan asked quietly, “Does does he know?”
My throat went dry immediately.
This was it.
The edge of the cliff.
One wrong word and everything between us changed forever.
I forced myself to answer casually.
“No,” Alan swallowed hard.
“Why not?”
“Because it’s you.
Because losing you would destroy me.
Because I’d rather stay your friend forever than watch you disappear from my life completely.
Instead, I just shrugged weakly.
Didn’t seem like a good idea.
Alan stared at me so intensely it almost hurt.
Then he asked the question I’d been terrified of for years.
Do I know him?
I froze completely.
And Allan noticed immediately.
Do I know him?
I froze.
And the worst part was that Allan noticed immediately.
His eyes widened just slightly.
Then everything shifted.
The air, the silence, the expression on his face, all of it.
Walker, he said slowly.
I couldn’t breathe properly anymore.
Every survival instinct I had kicked in at once.
Abort.
Deflect.
Run.
I laughed nervously and looked away.
This conversation got way too serious, but Alan didn’t let it go.
You froze.
No, I didn’t.
You absolutely did.
I gripped the water bottle tighter.
Allan.
His voice softened immediately at the panic in mine.
Hey.
He stepped closer carefully.
I’m not trying to corner you.
I nodded quickly even though my chest felt tight enough to crack open.
I know.
But he kept watching me.
And I realized with horrifying clarity that he was putting pieces together in real time.
All those years of me avoiding certain conversations, never talking about crushes, never bringing anyone around, the way I reacted whenever he dated someone seriously.
God, how had he never noticed before?
Alan swallowed hard.
It’s me.
Not accusatory, not angry, just stunned.
My stomach dropped so violently I thought I might actually throw up.
Either of us moved.
The silence stretched painfully between us, and because I was apparently committed to ruining my own life tonight, I gave the tiniest nod.
Allan stared at me.
Actually stared like he couldn’t process what he was hearing.
I laughed shakily and rubbed a hand over my face.
Okay, cool.
Great.
I’m going to go die now.
I tried to move past him.
He caught my wrist gently, not forceful, just enough to stop me.
Wait.
I couldn’t look at him.
Every ounce of humiliation I’d avoided for 3 years hit me all at once.
I didn’t tell you because I knew this would happen.
I muttered.
What’s happening this?
I finally looked up at him.
You looking at me differently.
His expression shifted immediately.
Walker, I’m not.
It’s fine, I interrupted too quickly.
Seriously.
Forget I said anything.
Forget it.
He repeated softly.
Yes.
How am I supposed to forget that?
My throat tightened.
I pulled my wrist gently from his hand and stepped back.
You don’t have to do anything, I said quietly.
I know you don’t feel the same.
The second the words left my mouth, something changed in Alen’s face.
Something sharp, almost frustrated.
Why do you keep deciding how I feel before I even say anything?
I blinked.
What?
Alan dragged a hand through his hair, suddenly pacing once through the kitchen.
You think I’m freaking out right now, aren’t you?
No.
That answer hit me like a physical force.
I stared at him silently.
Allan stopped pacing and looked at me again.
And for the first time since I’d met him, he looked genuinely nervous around me.
I just, he exhaled hard.
I didn’t know.
Yeah, I said weakly.
That was kind of the point.
Another silence.
Then Alan laughed once under his breath, not mocking, more like disbelief.
You’ve liked me this whole time.
I looked down immediately.
Can we actually not do this part, Walker?
It’s embarrassing.
His voice softened again.
Why?
I almost laughed at that.
Seriously?
Yes, seriously.
Because you’re you.
Alan frowned slightly.
That explains literally nothing.
I shook my head, trying to find words that didn’t make me sound pathetic.
You walk into a room and everybody notices, I admitted quietly.
You flirt without trying.
You make people feel important.
You I stopped myself and looked away.
Doesn’t matter.
It matters to me.
God, that sentence alone nearly broke me.
I forced out a shaky breath.
I didn’t expect anything from you, okay?
I wasn’t secretly waiting around hoping you’d wake up in love with me one day.
Alan stayed quiet.
I just I swallowed hard.
You became my favorite person accidentally.
That one slipped out before I could stop it.
The expression on Allen’s face changed instantly.
Softer, warmer, dangerous.
You’re my favorite person, too, he said quietly.
My chest physically hurt.
You can’t say things like that right now.
Why not?
Because I don’t know what you mean.
Alan looked like he didn’t know either.
That was the terrifying part.
He leaned back against the counter slowly, staring at the floor for a second before speaking again.
I’ve been trying to figure out why tonight felt weird.
He admitted I didn’t trust myself to answer like.
He laughed softly to himself.
At dinner, every time you smiled at me, I got distracted.
My pulse jumped.
And when you said hearing me talk about Chloe bothered you, he looked up at me again.
I got weirdly happy about it.
Either of us moved.
The tension in the kitchen was unbearable now.
I don’t understand what’s happening, Alan said.
Honestly, that made two of us.
He stepped closer again slowly.
Close enough that I could smell his cologne.
Close enough that if I moved barely forward, “Nope, absolutely not thinking about that.”
Alan’s eyes searched my face carefully.
“Have you wanted to kiss me before?”
The question nearly knocked the air out of my lungs.
I laughed once in disbelief.
That’s not fair.
Why?
Because you already know the answer.
He swallowed hard.
Yeah, he admitted quietly.
I think I do.
God, I needed this to stop because every second of this felt too hopeful and hope was dangerous.
Allan, I said softly.
You don’t have to figure anything out tonight, but I want to.
The sincerity in his voice wrecked me instantly.
I looked away from him before I did something stupid.
Unfortunately, Alan stepped even closer.
Now there was barely space between us.
My heartbeat was so loud I was sure he could hear it.
“Walker,” he murmured.
I looked up automatically.
“Big mistake.”
His face was right there, close enough to kiss, and the way he was looking at me now was nothing like friendship.
My breath caught.
Alan noticed immediately.
His eyes dropped to my mouth again.
Then he whispered, “I keep thinking about doing something.
I keep thinking about doing something.”
Alan’s voice was barely above a whisper.
Every nerve in my body lit up instantly.
I stared at him, heart pounding so hard it physically hurt.
“What?”
I asked quietly, even though I already knew.
His eyes stayed locked on mine.
Then they flicked down to my mouth again.
That answered the question.
My breathing turned uneven immediately.
This couldn’t be happening.
There was no version of reality where Alan, my straight best friend, Alan, looked at me like this.
And yet there he was, standing inches away with his hand flexing nervously at his side like he was trying very hard not to touch me.
You don’t have to, I said softly.
The words surprised even me because obviously I wanted him to kiss me.
God, I’d wanted it for years.
But suddenly I was terrified.
Not of the kiss itself, of what came after.
Alan frowned slightly.
Don’t have to what?
Kiss me because you’re confused.
The second I said it, something sharp crossed his face.
You think this is pity?
No, I said quickly.
I just think maybe tonight got emotional and weird and walker.
His voice cut through mine completely.
Firm certain.
You seriously think I’ve been staring at your mouth for the last 10 minutes because I feel bad for you?
My stomach flipped violently.
I looked away first.
Big mistake again.
Because Allan stepped even closer.
Now our bodies were almost touching.
You know what’s been messing with me all night?
He asked quietly.
I shook my head once.
The date thing.
What about it?
His jaw tightened slightly.
I hated pretending you were someone else.
The air left my lungs.
Alan laughed softly under his breath, almost frustrated with himself.
Now, I didn’t even realize why it bothered me until just now.
I couldn’t think clearly anymore.
Every word out of his mouth made things worse.
Better both.
I don’t understand this, I admitted quietly.
Me either.
But you still want to kiss me?
Yes.
Immediate.
Certain.
No hesitation at all.
That answer alone nearly destroyed me.
My chest tightened so hard it hurt.
Allen’s expression softened instantly when he saw my face.
Hey, he murmured.
I laughed shakily.
You can’t just say things like that.
Why not?
Because I’ve wanted to hear them for years.
Silence.
Allan stared at me.
Then very gently, he reached up and touched my jaw.
I actually stopped breathing.
His fingers were warm against my skin.
Careful.
Like he was afraid moving too fast would ruin something.
Years?
He asked softly.
I nodded once before I could stop myself.
The look on his face after that nearly killed me.
Not ego, not shock, something sadder, like he hated that I’d carried this alone.
Walker, his thumb brushed lightly against my cheek.
Why didn’t you tell me?
I let out a weak laugh.
Because I enjoy emotional suffering.
I’m serious.
So am I.
He smiled despite himself.
Then his expression softened again almost immediately.
I would never have made you feel weird about it.
I know you don’t sound convinced.
I looked at him carefully.
That’s because losing you scared me more than hiding it.
That hit him hard.
I could see it happen in real time.
Allan swallowed once, then his hand slid slowly from my jaw to the side of my neck.
My brain completely shortcircuited.
“You’re shaking,” he murmured.
“No kidding,” he laughed softly.
“And God,” the sound mixed with the way he was touching me was almost too much.
Neither of us moved for a second.
We just stood there breathing the same air.
Then Ellen asked quietly, “If I kiss you, does that ruin everything?”
The question cracked something open in my chest because he sounded scared too.
I looked up at him slowly.
I don’t know.
That was the truth.
Maybe this destroyed our friendship completely.
Maybe tomorrow he panicked and regretted it.
Maybe this became the best thing that had ever happened to me.
I had no idea.
But standing this close to him, feeling his hand against my neck, I knew one thing for certain.
I would regret not kissing him way more.
Alan searched my face carefully.
Then very softly, he asked, “Can I?”
My heartbeat went absolutely insane.
I nodded once.
That was all it took.
Alan kissed me carefully at first, tentative, like he was still figuring out whether this was real.
Then the second our mouths touched, something in both of us completely snapped because holy the chemistry.
I grabbed the front of his shirt instantly without even thinking.
Alan made this low sound against my mouth that nearly destroyed me on the spot and then suddenly he was kissing me harder.
One hand at my waist, the other still against my neck, pulling me closer.
I’d imagined kissing him so many times over the years.
None of those fantasies came close to this.
He tasted like mint and the beer from dinner and something entirely Alan.
My brain melted almost immediately.
Walker.
He breathed against my mouth.
The way he said my name sounded dangerous.
I kissed him again before he could say anything else.
Apparently that surprised him because he let out a quiet laugh against my lips before kissing me back even harder.
We stumbled backwards slightly until my lower back hit the counter.
Allan pulled away just enough to stare at me.
His cheeks were flushed now, breathing uneven, eyes darker than I’d ever seen them before.
“Okay,” he said breathlessly.
“That definitely wasn’t pity.”
I laughed despite myself.
Then he kissed me again, this time slower, deeper, like he wanted to memorize it.
His hand slid from my waist underneath the hem of my shirt, and I actually shivered.
Alan noticed immediately.
“You’re so sensitive,” he murmured against my mouth.
I nearly died.
“Seriously, no one should be allowed to sound that good while kissing someone.”
My hands slid up into his hair instinctively.
That made him inhale sharply.
Then, suddenly, his forehead dropped against mine.
Both of us breathing hard.
This is insane,” he whispered.
“Little bit.
I can’t stop thinking about you now.”
The honesty in his voice wrecked me instantly.
I looked at him carefully.
“Now?”
Allan groaned softly and buried his face briefly against my shoulder.
“Okay, maybe not just now.”
My stomach flipped.
I pulled back enough to look at him.
What does that mean?
He looked weirdly embarrassed suddenly, which on Alan was almost unheard of.
“Honestly,” he muttered, “I think I started noticing stuff a while ago.”
Every cell in my body focused immediately.
“What kind of stuff?”
Alan looked at me for a long second.
Then he admitted quietly.
“I got jealous during your last date.”
“I got jealous during your last date.”
I stared at Alan like he just spoke in another language.
What?
He looked away immediately, suddenly very interested in the floor.
That sounded less insane in my head.
No, I said quickly, still trying to process the sentence.
Come back.
Explain immediately.
Alan laughed under his breath, but there was obvious nerves underneath it now.
I don’t know, man.
He rubbed the back of his neck.
You went out with that guy from your office and afterward I was in a terrible mood for like 3 days.
My brain was genuinely struggling to keep up.
You never said anything because I didn’t understand why it bothered me.
I searched his face carefully and now his eyes met mine again.
Now I’m realizing maybe I understood more than I wanted to.
God, every single thing he said made my chest feel too full.
I leaned back against the counter slightly, trying to calm my heartbeat.
So what?
I asked quietly.
You just randomly realized you like guys tonight?
Alan grimaced.
See, that’s the part my brain is currently screaming about.
I couldn’t help laughing a little.
He pointed at me immediately.
Don’t laugh.
I’m having a crisis.
You kissed me during your crisis and I do it again.
The answer came so fast that both of us froze afterward.
Then slowly I felt myself smile.
Alan looked helpless for a second.
“Walker,” he muttered.
“What?
You’re looking at me like that again.”
“Like what?”
Like you’re trying not to get your hopes up.
“Well, that hit uncomfortably close to home.”
I looked away instinctively.
Alan stepped closer immediately.
“Hey, I’m fine.
You’re thinking too hard.
I always think too hard.
That’s true.
I laughed softly despite myself.
Then his hand found my waist again.
Gentle, steady, completely natural already somehow.
The warmth of it made my stomach flip.
I mean it, he said quietly.
I’m not messing with you.
I know.
Do you?
I hesitated.
Because honestly, not completely.
Not because I thought Allan was cruel.
He wasn’t.
He never intentionally hurt me.
But feelings were messy.
Confusion was messy.
And this, whatever this was, had the power to completely wreck me if it went wrong.
Alan studied my face carefully.
Then his expression softened with understanding.
You think I’m going to wake up tomorrow and regret this?
I didn’t answer, which was answer enough.
His thumb brushed lightly against my side.
I can’t promise I suddenly have everything figured out, he admitted.
But I know kissing you felt right.
My chest tightened painfully.
And honestly, he continued quietly.
I can’t stop wanting to do it again.
That definitely didn’t help my emotional stability.
I looked up at him carefully.
You’re making this very difficult for me.
Good.
I blinked.
Good.
Yeah.
A small smile appeared on his face.
Because you’ve been impossible to read for years.
I laughed in disbelief.
Impossible to read, “Allan, I was painfully obvious.”
“No, you weren’t.
You’re just oblivious.”
“Also true.”
He grinned a little.
Then his expression shifted softer again.
“You know what’s weird?
What?
I always thought you looked at me differently than everyone else.
My stomach flipped.
But I liked it, he admitted quietly.
The room felt too warm again.
Alan moved even closer until there was barely any space left between us.
I liked when you paid attention to little things, he continued.
Like remembering my coffee order or noticing when I was stressed before anybody else did.
I swallowed hard.
You notice everything about me.
The way he said it sounded almost odd.
And maybe that should have embarrassed me.
Instead, it just made my chest ache.
“You’re important to me,” I admitted softly.
Allan stared at me for a second, like that sentence affected him way more than it should have.
Then, suddenly, he kissed me again.
Slow this time.
Careful.
Like he was savoring it.
I melted instantly.
One of his hands slid up into my hair while mine grabbed his shirt again automatically.
That made him smile against my mouth.
“You do that every time,” he murmured.
“Do what?”
“Grab me like you’re scared I’ll disappear.”
The embarrassing thing was he wasn’t wrong.
Alan pulled back slightly, just enough to look at me.
I’m not going anywhere.
God, I genuinely might have fallen in love with him harder right then, which honestly felt medically concerning considering how much I already loved him.
I laughed softly at myself.
What?
Alan asked.
Nothing.
You smiled at me like a psycho.
I’m having a moment.
That sounds serious.
It is, he grinned.
Then his expression turned more thoughtful.
Can I ask something?
Depends if it’s emotionally damaging.
No promises.
I sighed dramatically.
Go ahead.
Alan hesitated briefly before asking.
When did you realize?
My heart skipped.
You really want to know?
Yeah.
I leaned my head back slightly against the counter, thinking.
There wasn’t one big moment.
I admitted it just kind of happened.
Alan stayed quiet, listening carefully.
You were easy to be around, I continued softly.
And then one day, I realized you were the first person I wanted to tell things to.
His eyes stayed fixed on mine.
And then eventually, I said with a weak laugh, “You smiled at me one time, and my brain completely betrayed me.”
Alan actually looked flustered by that, which was adorable.
“You make me sound dangerous.
You are dangerous.
That’s dramatic.
You kissed me in my kitchen after telling me you were jealous of my date.
Okay, he admitted.
Fair point, I smiled despite myself.
Then Alan got quiet again.
The thoughtful kind of quiet.
What?
I asked cautiously.
He shook his head once, just thinking about.
His gaze dropped briefly to my mouth again before returning to my eyes.
How many times I almost did this before tonight.
My pulse jumped instantly.
What?
Alan looked weirdly embarrassed again.
There were moments.
What moments?
He laughed softly.
You really want the list?
Yes.
He leaned one shoulder against the counter beside me.
Movie night at my place two months ago.
I frowned slightly, trying to remember.
The horror marathon.
Yeah.
What about it?
Allan looked at me carefully.
You fell asleep on my shoulder.
Oh.
My stomach flipped immediately.
I remember waking up.
He continued quietly and realizing I hadn’t moved for like an hour because I didn’t want to wake you up.
The way he said it made my chest ache again.
And then I asked softly.
Alan exhaled slowly.
And then I spent the rest of the night trying not to think about kissing you.
And then I spent the rest of the night trying not to think about kissing you.
I genuinely forgot how to breathe for a second.
Alan, what?
You cannot just casually say things like that.
He laughed softly, looking almost shy for the first time in his life.
I’m being honest.
That’s the problem.
His smile widened slightly.
God, seeing Allan blush over me felt unreal.
I shook my head slowly, still trying to process everything happening tonight.
All this time, I muttered.
I thought I was the only one losing my mind.
Oh no, he said immediately.
Apparently, we were both idiots.
I laughed despite myself.
Then his expression softened again.
There were other moments, too.
My heartbeat sped up immediately.
Like, what?
Alan leaned against the counter beside me.
Close enough that our shoulders brushed slightly.
You remember Jake’s birthday party?
I groaned instantly.
The karaoke disaster?
You looked ridiculously good that night.
I stared at him.
What?
He shrugged helplessly.
You did?
That was months ago.
Yeah, he said quietly.
I know.
The way he said it made my chest tighten all over again.
I remember watching some guy flirt with you at the bar, he continued.
And I got so annoyed, I nearly started a fight over absolutely nothing.
I blinked at him.
You told me that guy looked pretentious.
He did look pretentious.
I laughed.
You’re unbelievable.
Alan smiled a little before his expression turned more serious.
I think I kept finding excuses for what?
To ignore whatever this was.
Silence settled between us again.
Not uncomfortable, just heavy with too many feelings.
Alan looked down briefly before speaking again.
I’ve never felt like this with anyone before.
The vulnerability in his voice caught me completely offguard.
I studied him carefully.
You don’t have to figure everything out right now.
I know, but he looked at me again.
But I know how I feel when I’m around you.
My stomach flipped painfully.
And how’s that?
Allan stepped closer until our knees brushed.
Like I notice everything.
God, I was absolutely done for.
He reached for my hand slowly like he was still surprised he was allowed to touch me this way.
Our fingers intertwined naturally, effortlessly.
The feeling nearly melted my brain.
Alan looked down at our hands for a second and laughed softly under his breath.
What?
This feels weirdly normal.
It did.
That was the terrifying part.
None of this felt forced or awkward or experimental.
It felt like something we’ve been accidentally building toward for years.
I think that’s why this is freaking me out.
Alan admitted quietly.
It doesn’t feel weird enough.
I smiled slightly.
That’s a terrible sentence.
You know what I mean?
Unfortunately, I did.
He squeezed my hand gently.
Then after a moment, he asked, “Are you happy right now?”
The question hit me harder than expected because honestly, yeah.
Terrified, confused, emotionally overwhelmed.
But underneath all of that was something else.
Relief.
The kind that settles deep in your chest after carrying something heavy for too long.
“I think so,” I admitted softly.
Allan watched me carefully.
Then he smiled in this quiet, genuine way I’d never seen directed at me before tonight.
And suddenly, it hit me all over again.
This was real.
The guy I’d loved for years was standing in my kitchen, holding my hand like it belonged there.
My brain still couldn’t fully process it.
You’re staring again, Alan murmured.
I can’t help it.
That sounds dangerous.
You kissed me like six times tonight.
You don’t get to judge me.
He grinned immediately.
Six approximately.
Interesting that you’re counting.
I hate you.
No, you don’t.
That familiar line again.
Except this time it landed differently.
Softer, warmer, because now he knew.
And somehow he was still here.
Alan’s thumb brushed slowly across the back of my hand.
Then his expression shifted slightly, growing more serious.
There’s something I need to say before this goes any further.
My stomach dropped instantly.
Oh no.
He noticed my face and immediately laughed.
Jesus Walker, relax.
It’s nothing bad.
You said that like someone in a movie before ruining a person’s life.
I’m not ruining your life.
Good to know.
Alan shook his head, still smiling faintly.
Then he took a breath.
I don’t want this to become some weird secret.
That surprised me.
What do you mean?
I mean, he looked down briefly before meeting my eyes again.
If we do this, whatever this is, I don’t want you feeling like I’m ashamed of it.
The sincerity in his voice nearly wrecked me.
Alan, I’m serious.
He stepped closer again, still holding my hand.
I know I’m confused right now.
I know I probably have a lot to figure out.
His jaw tightened slightly, but I’m not going to treat you like something hidden.
God, I actually felt my eyes sting a little, which was embarrassing.
Alan noticed immediately.
Hey.
His voice softened.
Why do you look emotional?
I laughed weakly.
Because you keep saying devastatingly nice things.
That sounds like a you problem.
You’re the problem.
Fair.
He smiled gently before lifting his free hand to my face again.
The tenderness of it nearly undid me completely.
You know what I realized tonight?
He asked quietly.
What?
I trust you more than anybody.
My chest hurt.
Allan.
And honestly, he smiled softly.
You make me feel calmer.
I looked at him in disbelief.
How?
I don’t know.
He laughed quietly.
You just do.
There was something painfully intimate about hearing him admit that.
Like we’d crossed into territory either of us could pretend was casual anymore.
The apartment had gone completely quiet around us.
No TV, no music, just the sound of our breathing and the occasional noise from the street outside.
Allan stared at me for a long second.
Then his expression shifted again, more nervous this time.
What?
I asked softly.
He hesitated.
Then finally, “So what happens now?”
“So what happens now?”
Alan asked it quietly, not joking, not casually, like the answer actually mattered to him.
And honestly, that scared me more than the kissing did because kisses could be impulsive, emotional, temporary.
But that question meant he was thinking beyond tonight.
I looked down at our hands for a second before answering.
I don’t know.
Allan nodded slowly like he expected that.
Then after a moment, he smiled faintly.
That’s fair.
The nervous energy between us softened a little after that.
Not gone, just quieter now, less frantic, more real.
Alan leaned back against the counter beside me, still close enough that our shoulders touched.
Neither of us moved away.
You know what’s crazy?
He asked after a minute.
What?
I came over tonight worried about a date with Chloe.
I laughed softly.
Yeah.
Your life took a weird turn.
That might be the understatement of the century.
We both smiled at that.
Then silence settled again.
Comfortable this time.
And honestly, I think that was the moment everything truly changed for me.
Not the kissing, not the confession.
This standing quietly together without panic, like somehow we’d crossed a line that should have shattered everything and instead it felt like things finally made sense.
Alan squeezed my hand lightly.
I should probably text Chloe.
My stomach tightened automatically before I could stop it.
Alan noticed immediately.
His eyebrows lifted slightly.
You know I’m not saying that to upset you, right?
I know you looked upset anyway.
I sighed dramatically.
I’m trying to undo three years of emotional damage.
Give me a minute.
He laughed so hard he bent forward slightly.
You’re insane.
You made me this way.
Fair.
But then his expression softened.
I’m not going on that date.
I blinked.
You don’t have to cancel because of me.
I’m not canceling because of you.
Then why?
Alan looked at me like the answer should have been obvious.
Because I kissed someone else and immediately realized I didn’t want to stop.
The way he said it made my heartbeat stutter.
Also, he added casually.
I think it’d be pretty rude to go on a romantic dinner date while actively wanting to make out with my best friend.
I laughed despite the warmth spreading through my chest.
That’s considerate of you.
I’m incredibly thoughtful.
You’re barely functional.
Still got the guy though.
God, that stupid sentence made me smile so hard my face hurt.
Alan noticed immediately.
There it is.
What?
That look, what look?
The one where you stop overthinking for like 3 seconds.
I rolled my eyes, but he wasn’t wrong.
For the first time all night, I actually let myself feel happy instead of terrified.
And apparently Alan could see it.
His expression softened again.
Then very gently, he tugged me closer by our joining hands.
I went willingly.
Obviously, he smiled a little at that.
You know, he murmured.
I always wondered why nobody you dated lasted very long.
I narrowed my eyes immediately.
Excuse you.
You know what I mean?
No explain.
Alan grinned.
You always seemed distracted.
That hit a little too accurately.
I looked away with a groan.
Okay, rude.
You were comparing them to me, weren’t you?
I buried my face briefly against his shoulder out of pure embarrassment.
Alan laughed quietly above me.
Oh my god, you were.
Please stop talking.
This is huge for my ego.
I hate you.
Nope.
There was that line again.
Except this time, instead of hurting, it made something warm settle deep in my chest.
Allan tilted his head slightly until I looked up at him again.
Then he kissed me softly, no desperation this time.
No panic, just warm and slow and intentional, like he meant it.
When he pulled back, his forehead rested lightly against mine.
“You know what?
I keep thinking about,” he murmured.
“What?
How close I came to never knowing?”
My chest tightened.
“Allan, I mean it.”
His voice was quieter now.
If you hadn’t said something tonight.
I almost didn’t.
I know.
That hung between us for a second.
Then Alan smiled faintly.
You’re terrifyingly good at hiding feelings, by the way.
I thought I was obvious.
You were obvious in hindsight.
He laughed softly.
Now I’m replaying like every moment from the last year.
That sounds dangerous.
It is.
He looked amused.
Remember when that bartender flirted with you and I got weirdly angry?
Yes.
Thought I was just being protective.
You were jealous.
Apparently.
I smiled despite myself.
Then Alen’s expression shifted thoughtful again.
You know what the worst part is?
What?
You practice dating with me better than anyone I’ve actually dated.
I laughed.
That is deeply concerning.
I’m serious.
He shook his head slightly.
Tonight felt easy.
Easy.
Yeah, that was exactly it.
Even now, after everything, being around him still felt natural, like we’d somehow skipped the awkward beginning and landed somewhere honest immediately.
Alan brushed his thumb lightly across my cheek.
“So,” he asked softly, “are we still best friends?”
I smiled slowly.
I think we might be something worse now.
He laughed against my mouth before kissing me again.
And this time, when I kissed him back, there wasn’t panic underneath it anymore.
Just relief.
The kind that settles in after wanting something impossible for so long that you stop believing it could ever become real.
Eventually, we moved to the couch, tangled together under one blanket, while some random movie played unnoticed in the background.
At one point, Allan looked down at me, curled against his side, and smiled quietly to himself.
“What?”
I asked.
“Nothing.
You’re doing the thing.”
“What thing?”
“The staring thing.”
He grinned slightly.
Then he leaned down and kissed my forehead.
“I just can’t believe you were helping me practice for a date.”
I laughed softly.
“Yeah.”
His arms tightened around me a little.
Good thing I picked the right guy instead.
